Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Feeling much better...

What is it about vulnerable (and hot) men that's so appealing? I, sometimes, can't believe myself and the types of men I fall for. When I was 18 or 19, it was okay and made sense to fall for a straight guy in despair. Then I could just give them a shoulder to cry on without crying along. Then I could look them straight in the eyes and say that I understood what they were going through. Hell, then I could even make them cry by just...Well let's not go there. Topic for another day.
But now, in my late twenties, to think that I can still fall for anyone who happens to give me extra attention. Even if that attention is for a short while and only serves their own agendas, I should just slap myself real good.

This great friend of mine from childhood has been going through a lot lately. He's the sweetest straight guy you'll ever meet. I probably should mention that I had a huge crush on him when we were in high school. But...We parted ways at some point in time and kept very minimal contact, maybe because a part of me still had a thing for him or maybe because our families are close. I'm sure if they weren't I would have completely forgotten about him. Well, maybe not completely. Who am I kidding? I could never forget about him. Period!

So this poor kid is going through some sort of pre-mid-life crisis, and I use this term because I couldn't think of any other that would describe this condition. He just turned thirty and I know that mid-life crisis doesn't hit until you are between your mid-thirties to your mid-forties. So he's sorta rushing, if I may say. At least, I think so.

Without revealing anything about his life (that would be unfair), I happen to think that he has accomplished a lot. Great career, great goals about his life and also great shoulders...Ahem, I mean great future. No seriously, this kid is on the right track to an amazing future. So you're probably wondering. What the heck does that have to do with me?

Well, I honestly don't know how and when it started. But I tend to be very attentive to people's plights. And every time I'd sit through a conversation with him, I'd grow fonder and fonder of him. And before I could realize it, there it was again. Me falling for another straight man in need of "attention". He most likely didn't see it coming, but I did. And the interesting part is that I could tell he didn't seem to care or mind or even worry that I might get myself in a very hurtful situation. I don't know if it's because, like me, another Gemini, we are supposed to have this self centered personality and he was only concerned about his own issues. Or if it's because he didn't want to face it out of laziness (another trait of Geminis), or maybe because he was afraid he'd have to hurt me by rejecting me and/or pushing me away. Either way, it happened. These past few weeks were a heck of an ordeal for me. I would cook up a quick dinner, just because he said he'd drop by. I'd serve him dinner and even clean up after him. I'd play the kind of music I know he likes, just because it makes him happy. Hell, I'd even let him borrow my ipod for a few days just so he can listen to that same music I know he likes. Something I don't do, since I listen to my ipod when I'm at the gym or reading a book or traveling. My friends and family noticed and started making fun of me. Telling me how I behave when he's around and stuff.

But, thanks to that new book, The Secret, I realized that, no one else could get me out of the mess I had managed to plunge myself into, but my damn little self! As one of my favorite blogger, Kenneth Winfrey, so gracefully says it:"...being both black and gay, many of us really just function on instinct (auto-pilot) to survive. We are reacting to what is happening to us rather than choosing what we want to happen." I decided, much like Kenneth, that "we all deserve a mate that is affirmed and confident enough to fully acknowledge the relationship for whatever it is...Although I can remain the sensitive empathetic individual that I am, I won’t settle for less any more." The sad thing is though, remaining the attentive and caring friend that I am, has a unilateral impact. It only helps the other party. It does not however, help me with my feelings. So the first step was the realization that I can't afford to put my heart on the floor to be stepped on and that's a big step but I'm left with a big question mark. How do I manage to deal with my feelings without stripping Mr NOT of a great friend (which I think
I am to him)? Since, that would be an unfair thing to do. After all, he never pretended to be anything other than the same childhood friend he always was. Just because we enjoy each other's company to a great extent and happen to agree on most topics, from religion to sexuality to politics to the type of music we listen to and everything in between, this doesn't mean he was ever willing to go down that road. And he shouldn't have to pay for not meeting whatever my hopeless expectations might have been. Sad, this journey we call life, ain't it?

8 comments:

Pink-satin said...

wow!"How do I manage to deal with my feelings without stripping Mr NOT of a great friend"...i like this phrase...good that you thot deeply abt this and decided not to loose a good friend because of other feeling u were having!tanx 4 stopping by my page..much love

Shabaka said...

Thx for the thoughts, Pink Satin. I don't wanna be a selfish a-hole and deprive him of whatever it is I have to offer him by cutting him off. So that's where I'm conflicted.
Thanks again.

Shabaka said...

That was such a lie. I ain't feeling better...It's just so hard to get rid of these feelings...What to do, what to do...

Sam said...

Well written. What a nice blog. I just discovered it today.

Shabaka said...

WEll thx Sam...

Belle said...

how come no updates since may?
just stumbled across your blog... interesting read so far.
so did you ever tell your friend you liked him?

Shabaka said...

Sorry about the delay in posting new material, Belle! I've been busy with a new job and "relationship". Not with who you think though...wink. I will be posting some new material in the days to come. And thanks for visiting.

Anonymous said...

this is a really long-after-the-fact comment and I don't even know if you'll get it, but the situation you're struggling with touched a nerve with me so I wanted to offer a pointer to something that has helped me enormously to deal with feelings for a good friend I can't have. I'm not the best person to explain, but I can point you to the website explaining the technique: emofree.com. also if you search on youtube for keywords "eft tapping" you'll find videos people have made to demonstrate it. good luck, but better I hope you were able to resolve this the best way for you.